HUSTLER

PHOTOGRAPHY BY matti klatt

I'm sad today," sighs eye-catching Iris Spuria. "My boyfriend of the last two years just broke up with me over the phone. Actually, it was a text message! Can you believe it? To make matters worse, my favorite vibrator is broken! Plus it's raining in Los Angeles. I was told it never rains here, but since I flew in, it's rained a lot. So I'm sad."

What would cheer up the Czech cutie? "Sex always brightens my day," Iris reveals, "but right now I'm alone. I like to masturbate, but I prefer being with someone else. Maybe I'll call up one of my sexy girlfriends for some fun."

It seems mouthwatering Ms. Spuria is bi. "You have to be," she insists. "I mean, if it's an option, why not? No one likes to eat just turkey sandwiches all the time. That's why I like boys and girls. Girls really know how to lick, while men come equipped with a dick. It's the best of both worlds. Today I'll settle for a good lick. Maybe that will cheer me up."